The top 10 finest, funniest things about Zoolander - one of the finest, funniest films of our time or perhaps any other (warning - some spoilers, and these are not in sequential order):
10. "Keep pulling the sweater. Eventually it'll unravel." David Duchovny's turn as the former hand model turned conspiracy theory nut is played with such accuracy and relish that you suspect that by this point the guy really, really hated The X-Files and everything that was lame about it. "You're goddamn right [Lee Harvey Oswald] wasn't [a male model]. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!" His reaction when, after he's painstakingly mapped-out the modeling industry's history of political assassinations, Derek Zoolander asks again "But why male models?" = particularly priceless.
9. The orgy, or more specifically the morning after, when Derek tells Hansel how he's falling for Matilda: "There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, 'Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.'"
8. Jon Voight as Zoolander Snr, coalminer (not a professional film or television actor): "You're dead to me, Derek... as dead as your poor dead mother. I just thank the Lord she never lived to see her son as a mermaid."
Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander: "Mer-man. Mer-man!"
7. "Here's something no-one wants to see: ugly protestors annoying beautiful celebrities."
6. The fact that Katinka (Milla Jovovich) is allowed to sneak away scot-free at the movie's end. Because nobody wants to see an immaculately well-dressed, absurdly-accented East European dominatrix brought to justice, do they?
5. Hansel! He's so hot right now! The first time I saw this film, Hansel's profile clip at the fashion awards is probably the point at which I realised I was in the presence of something special. Never has the faux-spiritual, extreme sports, cod-hippy LA schtick been better satirised. Owen Wilson deserves some kind of large and ornate medal for his role in this movie. Observe the wisdom of Hansel:
"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot."
4. His evil plan exposed, Mugatu loses his shit and takes the opportunity to point out how incredibly stupid Derek is, and how he only has one look, and why hasn't anyone noticed? "I feel like I'm taking CRAZY pills!" = the perfect thing to shout at those moments when you feel you're the only one who realises that the emperor has no clothes.
3. The Walk-Off is a thing of a thing of joy, obviously. The whole concept - it's the gritty, seedy side of male modeling, the one they don't show you on TV! - well, that's obviously great. But it's sustained so well: David Bowie volunteering to compere - "This'll be your standard Walk-Off: old school rules." - the use of 'Beat It', the moves themselves, and finally Hansel's need to "go monk... I gotta go monk... Pray to the great spirit!"
2. The prelude to the Walk-Off, in which Derek and Hansel clash at a party. It starts with arguably the greatest, most successfully underplayed "I cannot believe that celebrity would parody themselves so accurately" cameo in the film, maybe ever - Winona Ryder hitting on Derek with nauseating flattery. It's like she's saying "Yes, I am a shameless trend-chasing groupie who has been almost exclusively in terrible, terrible movies for the last ten years or more. So?"
And then we have what is probably Owen Wilson's finest hour. Fresh from bathing with spider-monkeys and his entourage in some exotic location, on acid, Hansel clashes with Derek at the party and almost everything Wilson says or does is impossibly funny. "Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?" The hand movements and whooshing noises. But best of all: "Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude."
1. The brainwashing sequence. Just the most jaw-dropping surreal humour, and Will Ferrell totally comes into his own here, just by managing to stay on top of it all. Everything in this sequence is perfect, from the gratuitous evil nurses and 60s spy film hypnosis booth, to the use of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's 'Relax'. Little Cletus and the animation of the history of child labour laws - "they're silly and outdated!" The cardboard pop-ups of people like Fred Durst and Garry Shandling - "Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities!" In the middle of all this, the wonderful highlight of it all, comes a cry of pure, random comic gold:
"OBEY MY DOG!"
10. "Keep pulling the sweater. Eventually it'll unravel." David Duchovny's turn as the former hand model turned conspiracy theory nut is played with such accuracy and relish that you suspect that by this point the guy really, really hated The X-Files and everything that was lame about it. "You're goddamn right [Lee Harvey Oswald] wasn't [a male model]. But those two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were!" His reaction when, after he's painstakingly mapped-out the modeling industry's history of political assassinations, Derek Zoolander asks again "But why male models?" = particularly priceless.
9. The orgy, or more specifically the morning after, when Derek tells Hansel how he's falling for Matilda: "There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, 'Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman.'"
8. Jon Voight as Zoolander Snr, coalminer (not a professional film or television actor): "You're dead to me, Derek... as dead as your poor dead mother. I just thank the Lord she never lived to see her son as a mermaid."
Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander: "Mer-man. Mer-man!"
7. "Here's something no-one wants to see: ugly protestors annoying beautiful celebrities."
6. The fact that Katinka (Milla Jovovich) is allowed to sneak away scot-free at the movie's end. Because nobody wants to see an immaculately well-dressed, absurdly-accented East European dominatrix brought to justice, do they?
5. Hansel! He's so hot right now! The first time I saw this film, Hansel's profile clip at the fashion awards is probably the point at which I realised I was in the presence of something special. Never has the faux-spiritual, extreme sports, cod-hippy LA schtick been better satirised. Owen Wilson deserves some kind of large and ornate medal for his role in this movie. Observe the wisdom of Hansel:
"I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot."
4. His evil plan exposed, Mugatu loses his shit and takes the opportunity to point out how incredibly stupid Derek is, and how he only has one look, and why hasn't anyone noticed? "I feel like I'm taking CRAZY pills!" = the perfect thing to shout at those moments when you feel you're the only one who realises that the emperor has no clothes.
3. The Walk-Off is a thing of a thing of joy, obviously. The whole concept - it's the gritty, seedy side of male modeling, the one they don't show you on TV! - well, that's obviously great. But it's sustained so well: David Bowie volunteering to compere - "This'll be your standard Walk-Off: old school rules." - the use of 'Beat It', the moves themselves, and finally Hansel's need to "go monk... I gotta go monk... Pray to the great spirit!"
2. The prelude to the Walk-Off, in which Derek and Hansel clash at a party. It starts with arguably the greatest, most successfully underplayed "I cannot believe that celebrity would parody themselves so accurately" cameo in the film, maybe ever - Winona Ryder hitting on Derek with nauseating flattery. It's like she's saying "Yes, I am a shameless trend-chasing groupie who has been almost exclusively in terrible, terrible movies for the last ten years or more. So?"
And then we have what is probably Owen Wilson's finest hour. Fresh from bathing with spider-monkeys and his entourage in some exotic location, on acid, Hansel clashes with Derek at the party and almost everything Wilson says or does is impossibly funny. "Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?" The hand movements and whooshing noises. But best of all: "Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He's a cool dude."
1. The brainwashing sequence. Just the most jaw-dropping surreal humour, and Will Ferrell totally comes into his own here, just by managing to stay on top of it all. Everything in this sequence is perfect, from the gratuitous evil nurses and 60s spy film hypnosis booth, to the use of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's 'Relax'. Little Cletus and the animation of the history of child labour laws - "they're silly and outdated!" The cardboard pop-ups of people like Fred Durst and Garry Shandling - "Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities!" In the middle of all this, the wonderful highlight of it all, comes a cry of pure, random comic gold:
"OBEY MY DOG!"
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